A little thought for today

 This day every year is hard for me. Our daughter Faith was suppose to be born on this day 3 years ago. Every year my heart aches and my arms long to hold her. Sometime I wonder to myself if it will ever get better. The Mother's Day after the miscarriage my husband gave me this. I wear it when I feel like I need a little extra help to get through the day. Like today.

I never thought that infertility would be apart of my life. Since I was little all I have ever wanted to be was a mom. I never thought that it would be so hard to make that a reality. Sometimes life does not turn out the way you want it to, but I just have to trust that there is a bigger picture that I can not see.

To those like me that ache for things lost, pray with me that things will get better and that when the time comes our hearts will heal and be whole.

What Happened After

Well lets just say that I was angry for most of 2019. We tried so hard to get pregnant and we had nothing to show for it. I let school take over my life. I was not sure what was going to happen to our little family.  We also started a family tradition of Sunday Pizza Nights. After trying several different recipes for crust we found one that we and have used that ever since.
 

Around our 2nd anniversary we started to talk more about adoption. Our biggest fear with this was the cost. Going through an adoption agency would cost an arm and a leg, but all costs go towards adoption until it happens. If you go with a private adoption you can/will pay cost at a risk of having nothing to show for it.  At the time I was taking a business communications class that had a teacher that loved to talk about her two kids that were adopted. I finally had the nerve to ask her advise on how and where to start. She was able to put me in touch with a couple of women that could help. Our first step was to get a home study done and be approved to adopt. This was along process that consumed most of 2019. The hardest part of this was the three books that we had to read. So we started this process in March 2019.

Michael put in Grad Applications to start his PhD. He was accepted to BYU for a PhD in usable security and human computer interaction. Once he was accepted we decided to buy a home in Utah since we were going to here for at least the next 3-5 years. Michael quit his job so that he could be employed at BYU as a PhD student. To help with the income I got a part time job at a daycare for a Cosmetology School. I loved it and really enjoyed working the kids. I think my favorite thing that we did was decorating the daycare for Christmas.  I am still continuing my education and am on track to graduate in 2022.

I love our new home and it looks like it is going to work for us for awhile. It is small but it is ours. The main draw back is that we don't have a yard. Living on a second story condo does not really allow for everything I was wanting to do, but that is ok it is not our forever home. However, it seems that our fur babies have adapted well. 

Michael and I where also able to meet a young couple this year that we became close to. Misha and Lorenzo Fancis. In August of 2019 they had a beautiful baby boy Jaden. Michael and I where asked to be his God-parents and were invited to be present at his birth. This is was a wonderful thing that they were willing to share with us and were so grateful to be there. Our hearts are with this tiny family. We love them so much. Watching them grow has been a great joy!!

Through the Years

                                          Year One

 Honestly the first year was a blur. I had quit my job at Vivint Solar and had started a job as a bookkeeper for a local business. Accounting has been something that I have enjoyed for awhile and wanted to have a career as an accountant eventually.


Also during that time we had been on four separate trips across the country. Destinations included: Alaska, Connecticut, New Mexico for Christmas, and Pennsylvania twice. Two of these trips were for funerals. Back in 2000-2002 I was a Nanny in Connecticut and one of the children I had nannied had passed away. It was something that was expected eventually. When I left Connecticut I told myself that when it happened I would be there. No matter the cost i would find a way to be there. It was nice to reconnect with people I had considered family. The other was one of Michael's grandmothers who lived in Pennsylvania. That happened the week before Thanksgiving 2018.

Right before Christmas of 2017 we got a new little friend for Michael's cat Ding. We called her Creamie Creamcicle Clark (C cubed). Michael said that Ding really did not need a friend, but through the years they have been getting along much better. Christmas was spent in New Mexico with Michael's family. It was nice to be in a place during the winter that was warm enough to wear shorts.


On Mach 10, 2018 Michael and I were sealed in the New Mexico Temple. It was an awesome experience and I was so excited that I get to keep him for all eternity. We were privileged to have Michael's grandpa Hatch there which was great because he was not able to make it out to the wedding the year before. My father was able to come as well which was also good since he had gotten food poisoning the night before the wedding.

On March 1, 2018 Michael and I met with Utah Fertility Clinic to find out why we had not yet gotten pregnant. At the time we were not actively trying to not get pregnant. Come to find out we had infertility problems. We were told that the likelihood of getting pregnant on our own was like a .01% chance. This was hard for us to hear, but we had decided to go ahead with an IVF cycle.

Before we started the cycle Michael thought that would be a good idea to take me to Hong Kong. Can I just say that I loved it there. Hong Kong in May was beautiful. I got to see where Michael grew up and where he went to school. He also got to do all tourist stuff there that he had none done while living there. We also got to spend a lot of time with his parents. We visited Hong Kong Disney, The temple of a thousand Buddhas, Ocean Park, the Big Buddha, and many of the wet markets.  I told him when we got back that if he ever wanted to live in Hong Kong again that I would be okay with that because I just fell in live with it.

So we started the the IVF cycle in July of 2018. Going through the egg harvesting process was hard and uncomfortable. Once that was done we had the implantation date set in the middle of September. Due to some complications that date did not work and it was pushed back to the week before Thanksgiving. WE GOT PREGNANT!!! We were so excited. It was nice to see that things were working out. We felt very lucky because out of all the eggs that got harvested we had one viable embryo. I was a little scared that I would mess something up because this was it for us. Sadly though this did not work out for us on and December 18th we had a miscarriage. This was had to take and I felt that somehow it was my fault. I was also very angry at myself and at God. This is probably the hardest thing I had been through up to that point and time.

NEXT TIME... Recovery and moving on.

We tied the knot

On March 4, 2017 Michael Clark and I got married. Due to a previous marriage (on my part) we got married at a local church house. Since Michael and I are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we be in marriage for eternity, y getting married in one of our churches Temples. Well since I had done this many many years before I had to get permission from our leaders to marry Michael for forever. They said yes, but we would have to wait. Either until July or a year after being married civilly. We opted for a civil marriage first. So that is what we did. 

That day is still the best day of my life, despite a few mishaps. The first being that my dad got food poisoning the night before and was unable to attend. Thankfully though Michael's brother Matthew was able to attend and I asked him to walk me down the aisle. Michael's parents flew in from Hong Kong and the day was full of family and friends. The day started really early with bridal pictures, a luncheon, the wedding and then to close it all off a reception. Whew!! By the end of the night with the send off we were tired.

The next day was church and then a trip to the airport to make our way to the honeymoon. Michael had asked me where I wanted to go. I said Fairbanks, Alaska. Alaska in March is cold!! Why Alaska you ask? Michael asked this as well. My answer to him was, "Well because we don't really want to go to a place that we want to do site seeing at." So yep Alaska!! When we got off the plane it was -30 degrees. OH MY GOSH!!! During the next ten days though we had a lot of fun. We got the see the start of the Iditarod. He took me on a small trip to see the Northern lights and we got to meet Santa Clause at The North Pole. I would not go back to Alaska before the snow melted again, but I would love to see it during the summer. I hear the flower festival in Fairbanks is beautiful.

I am grateful for the day that I got to marry Michael. Each day I love him more and more. Everyday he makes me happy and always lets me know how much he loves me. He puts up a lot from me and I appreciate that.

Next time.. A year later and our infertility struggles.

The Next Step

On Halloween 2016 Michael Clark asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so excited! Here was a guy I really liked who wanted to actually date me. I have had tons of guy friends, but that all they were. We had hung out played games and the like, but none of them really wanted to date me. Of course I said yes. He then asked if I could watch his cat for and drive him to the airport in the morning for his flight to Hong Kong. He spent ten days there. I don't think it would have been very hard for me to have him gone if we had waited to make it official until after he got back, but those first ten days of girlfriend without him there was really hard. I am happy to say though that I made it through as did the cat.

During this time it was more discovery of each other. We both like Dungeons & Dragons, Pathfinder, Epic Fantasy Role Playing, reading, animals, and a strong sense of family. While in he was in Hong Kong I got day texts just letting me know how he was doing. He told his family about me and they were really excited. I think most of it was just that he was dating someone. At least I think that is how it started and then it blossomed into oh we can't wait to meet her.

During the month of November we did a lot of talking about getting married (fast I know)(Oh and yes I did get to the I Love You stage). I still had not met his parents yet (they live in Hong Kong) and he had not really had "the conversation" with my dad. So Thanksgiving hit like it does ever year and I invited him to my parent's house for the weekend. So off we went on a one hour road trip to my parent's house. He got to know my family a little better and meet my youngest sister and her husband. We played with my nieces and just had a relaxing fun time. 

Now comes one of the funniest/shocking parts of the story (I will explain later). So ever year our town does a Christmas Light Parade on Thanksgiving night that closes with Santa Clause coming to town at the end. So we are outside on the sidewalk of main street waiting for the parade to start when my dad asks, "So Regina did you bring a bag to collect candy as they throw it?" "No, but that is ok most of the time they run out of candy by the time they get this far." (We were at the end of the route). Dad, "Oh, well I see that Michael is wearing a hat we could use that." "No, I think Michael should eave on his hat he gets cold pretty easy." Dad, "Oh, ok" That is were I thought the conversation would end, but no. Few minutes later my dad says, "I know we could use he pants. If we tie the ends of the legs together they would hold the candy in nicely!" "Um, how about we leave my boyfriends pants on please." Dad, "Oh, are you sure?" "Yes." end of conversation right? WRONG? Michael then says, "Well sir speaking of taking off my pants, might I have your permission to marry your daughter?" BOMB!! I went so many shades of red. I am sure that everyone could my face glowing bright red and it was dark outside. To have Michael capitalize on this was not something I had seen in his personality before so it took me by surprise. I could expect that type of conversation from some of my other guys friends, but not Michael.

So on Dec. 22, 2016 Michael Clark asked my to marry him in front of the Provo City Center Temple. I of course said yes. The next he flew out to New Mexico to spend Christmas with his grandpa (I know it feels like he is making a habit of this). I was so in love with him and couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives and eternity with him! Next...WEDDING BELLS!

Going Courting

Michael was very persistent in dating me. He made it a point to take me out on a date at least once a week. The first two dates where the normal get to know you and here let me spill the beans about myself. He had let it slipped that he liked the fact that I had tattoos and that was just one of the many things he liked about me.

He had helped me moved and met my parents and nieces on week 2 of us dating. He was a very good sport and got along well with my family which was important to me. He played a little bit with the nieces. They liked (and still do) to use him as jungle gym. He loved it and had fun with them.

Our third date was the most interesting. He had asked me to go to a BYU CS Alumni dinner event. It was a formal event so I dressed to the nines the best I could. When we got there they had name tags printed out for everyone. so I looked for my name (Regina Eastman). I could not find and asked Michael to help me find it. He did not see it either. However, just below his name was a name tag for a Regina Clark. He was so embarrassed. He thought that he had given them my last name, but apparently not so they assumed that his last was mine. Sure I thought to myself I can Regina Clark for one evening. The dinner was great and the talk on the way was a lot of fun because it consisted of me telling him about how I got mistaken as his wife (Fore Shadowing). He walked me to my door and I said good night. He walked away and I had turned to open the when suddenly I heard a very faint "I love you". I did not know what to so I just kept walking and pretended that I did not hear it. I was not there yet. I loved spending time with and the more time I spent with him the more I wanted to be around him. The next day this is what I told him. Thankfully he stuck around until I got there. Next time. Making it official!!

In the Beginning

Our story started one October day. Michael and I both attended the Mid-Singles ward in Provo, UT. Our ward was hold an activity for the primary of the stake we were in. Our goal to transport the children back in time to visit different prophets of the Book of Mormon. I was in charge of the décor and since I had just recently finished binge watching Doctor Who what better to mess with time travel than to use the Tardis as the wat to transport them! Michael had volunteered to help bring my vision to life, the Friday before the big day.

The next day I helped direct traffic and made sure that all the decorations remind in place. Michael played the role of King Benjamin and spoke to group after group of kids. Following a successful activity it was time to tear everything down. Exhausted to the core I had decided to go home and sleep until doomsday. Michael Knowing this had asked me out on a double date for that night. The first thing that came to mind was "No, I just told you I was exhausted and that I was headed home to sleep." However that is not what came out of my mouth. What did was "Um.. Ok." Yep that was it. And so that is how we began. Exhausted and perseverance. Next to come THE COURTSHIP!! (Trust me when I say you don't want to miss it.)